Where do I begin with such an emotional rant? I feel like my pride is too strong, or I don’t want to hurt my father’s pride or dignity.

My father left when I was three. I am now 21.

I look back on when my father has been there for me, and its only times when I needed something from him, always financially, never mentally or physically. Never showed concern when I tore my Achilles. Let alone any concern in how my studies were going or how my own personal life is. My Achilles, I believe this was one of my darkest times I ever lived through. Is that why I hold a grudge? Is that what you would even call it? I tried not to show my distress but the pain was eating me away inside being crutch bound for so long. Wishing I could partake in so many aspects in life. Then even further complications with it not healing properly made me lose hope in myself. 15 weeks in crutches, three and a half months of not being able to walk really took its toll. No one supported me emotionally so I dealt with it on my own trying to adopt a strong mentality, especially when friends where saying to toughen up. But they didn’t understand what it was like for me.

Add to the fact my father never really called me during this period or any other period, I had to call him and every time I did I would be in need of something. We would go 8 months to a year without a conversation. I don’t understand why I have to make the effort for this relationship to have any emotional benefit for us. I understand he is my father, my dad. But I feel as if he is not, I don’t know whether or not I love him. Harsh I know, but I don’t have any emotional connection with him. Is there something wrong with me? Every conversation we have anyway resorted to money. I feel as if that’s his way of showing me he loves me? But ive damaged his pocket enough, I feel as if I owe him. Do I? I already know he has no money himself, and he is a very hardworking man still slaving away for a weeks wage. But im his youngest son and only son with a bright future so he feels obligated to help me. That’s why it hurts me when he offers me money knowing he has the decency and generosity to help me, but in doing so it will leave him to struggle. I don’t want that.
I already know our relationship has deteriorated, how am to fix it? I feel as if he doesn’t know who I am, and like he doesn’t want to get to know me. Like he’ll just chuck a few hundred dollars my way and everything will be all good. Is this what im deemed to? No conversation, just currency. I know a lot of people who are in the same position and if I can’t talk to my father then I won’t have to burden him with my problems when he’s got problems of his own.

My families fucked, but I know every family is not perfect and have their own flaws. I still ask myself this question all the time. What would life have been like if my parents stayed together? Seeing all my friends whos parents are still together resulted in me analyzing their lives, and it seems all of theirs have turned out for the better. Not saying my life isnt good, but it aint great either. Though I am blessed for what I have. But keep wondering about what I could have. Is that wrong of me?